Amityville 3-D

In continuing the early 80′s tradition of the third film in a series being in 3-D (Jaws 3D, Friday the 13th in 3D), Amityville 3-D succeeds. Sadly, that is the only thing it succeeds at.

This is the worst movie I have seen so far in this experiment. What this movie lacks in storytelling, acting, and directing, it makes up for in clichés. A3D managed to crawl below expectations that I wasn’t sure could be reached. On the positive side, at least the movie features a young Meg Ryan (my dreams circa 1993) and Lori Loughlin (Full House).

The plot involves a journalist and photographer out on a mission to disprove paranormal activity in the Amityville house. After busting up a fake séance at the famous pad, the journalist decides to buy the house. He does this because he is a stupid man.

As predictable as mullets at Nascar race, the house begins to do stuff. The stuff varies but it is absolutely the kind of stuff you would think the house would do: control light switches, shut doors, cause unfortunate accidents, read the poems of Robert Frost. Well, it does most of that.

Speaking of clichés, the one person in the movie who believes the house is haunted is continuously brushed aside like she is as welcome as skunk at a lawn party. But wait, there’s more! The biggest cliché of all time in the history of movies makes an appearance. What might that be? Ouija board time of course! Here is actual studio transcript of how it all went down.

Studio guy:
We need to make this movie even scarier. We have a suggestion. We want to put a Ouija board in there somewhere.

Director of A3D:
My God, that is a brilliant idea! There is nothing scarier than a Ouija board.

Studio guy:
Let’s just sit back and watch the cash roll in!

For the record, I think this is the same conversation Michael Bay has for all of his movies. Just replace Ouija board with ‘ more stuff blowing up’ and scarier with ‘more totally awesome.’ Try it.

Amityville 3-D fails in almost every way possible. Therefore, it receives my worst movie of the 365 Horror Movie project to date. I’m thinking when I am finished I will make a top 25 and bottom 25 list to share.

Snore Factor: ZZZZZ Countin’ Sheep in fewer than 10 minutes

IMDB 1983

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