Movies starring former 80′s pop stars battling giant mutated creatures lurking in the water are like holidays. They only come once a year so you best prepare accordingly. In the case of Mega Piranha, preparing should involve copious amounts booze and other substances that may or may not be legal depending on where you live.
MP is the bastard child of the success of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus and The Asylum’s never ending pursuit to create culturally important cinema. With MP, the Asylum even manages to double their aging star quota by hiring not just Tiffany (Mall tours), but also Barry Williams (Greg Brady). It’s good to see a company doing what they can to support the recovery of the world economy one bad actor at a time.
Tiffany and some other pretend scientists tinker with the genetics of piranhas. Why piranhas? Because they are the most dangerous fish they could think of to mess with. Stop asking stupid questions. The experimenting unleashing a batch of mutated piranhas that double in size every few hours, have two hearts, triple-thick skin, three stomachs, don’t sleep and reproduce asexually. They made a mega mistake.
After an American ambassador and some chicks in bikinis are eaten whilst riding in a boat the U.S. government sends in a bad ass to find out what is happening. Paul Logan is that badass. The badass quickly gets involved in a knife fight with, you guessed it, mega piranhas. Upon discovering that piranhas are involved and not terrorists the badass works with the corrupt Venezuelan government to order a strike against the fish.
The military strike would have probably been better suited for terrorists though, as shooting bullets into a river wouldn’t seem to be the most effective method to kill piranhas. As it turns out, I was right. This genius move only pissed off the piranhas further and made the Venezuelans hate the badass and the scientists. The Venezuelans then ineptly chase the badass and the scientists for the rest of the film.
Meanwhile, Greg Brady talks into his iPhone a lot. He is some sort of super badass that gives orders to the regular badass such as, “Don’t let the piranhas eat their way through humanity and stuff.”
The piranhas up their size again and begin kamikaze attacks jumping into buildings, bridges, and light houses in an effort to ratchet up the suspense. It’s okay though because the bad ass kicks the airborne monsters away with some smooth moves. After that heroism he just got bumped up to total effin badass. Coincidentally, this is the exact moment Tiffany falls in love with him. I can’t blame her though, because I even love the guy now. He nearly has Chuck Norris status after that scene alone.
The total effin badass then cements his status as one of the all time most badass dudes in cinema by outrunning two Venezuelan helicopters while driving a Nissan Sentra. Try to get your head around that one for a minute. Of course, he’s not done yet. Not by a long shot. He roundhouses some guards, steals a helicopter, and takes out two other helicopters in a dog fight. Yes Tiffany, he is some sort of big wig.
By now the piranhas are about the same size as Moby Dick and have eaten an aircraft carrier, a harbor, and countless extras with no end in sight. Tiffany, Badass, and Greg Brady determine a nuclear strike is the best route. There is some debate on how many kilotons to use however. Tiffany thinks they should double the kilotons but no one listens. The nuclear attack proves to be worthless and once again just agitates the mega piranhas. These sons of bitches are tough fishes.
So what would you do if faced with killing machines larger than boats, immune to nuclear attacks, and bullets with super speed, agility and insatiable appetites? I know what I wouldn’t do. Jump in the water with them, but I’m not a total effin badass.
Mega Piranha is a landmark film if there ever was one. The Asylum raises the bar for mockbusters to dizzying heights with this breathtakingly astonishing film.
Snore Factor Z