This film earns three gold stars for the use of buzzwords in the title. Blood! Satan! Claw! They really packed ‘em in there. Usually, in my experience, the more buzzwords in the title means the less interesting the movie. If a film was good, it wouldn’t need to draw attention to itself, right? Of course, for every rule there are exceptions, I just can’t think of any off the top of my head.
Blood on Satan’s Claw, set in the 17th century (yawn), focuses on a small villages terrible plight. A mysterious creature is unearthed during routine plowing (side note: plowing fields accounted for approximately 87% of people’s time in the 17 century, the other 13% was spent on wig making) and sparks a plague that causes the villagers to go bonkers. Yes, the quaint townsfolk begin to grow “devil’s skin”, hack off their limbs, and join a cult.
The cult is run by a creature, named Behemoth (aka The Devil or The Claw or That Really Cheesy Looking Monster). The Behemoth recruits townsfolk into his pagan cult. He then finds a young hottie (Lynda Hayden) to be the general manager in charge of the daily operations of his cult. Just goes to show you that it pays to be a young beautiful girl. One day you are playing in a field with your friends, the next you are in charge of the biggest cult in the whole village. Lucky girl!
With the cult quickly growing the local judge springs into action. The judge has the finest wig collection this side of the London (I have no idea what side that would actually be on though). His only mission is to, “stop the practices” of the cult, “no matter the means.” We all know what that means; there will be blood. Now it’s Judge vs. Satanic beast. May the best man or best creature win.
In a scene that looks to be something straight out of Monty Python, the townsfolk catch a girl whom they suspect is a witch. Of course, they need to run a witch test on her. What do they do? Throw her into a lake to see if she floats. She doesn’t. In itself this isn’t odd, but the execution made me laugh. The lake they throw her in was barely 3 feet deep or so. And when the chucked her in, she immediately sank like a sack of rocks. And nary an air bubble was to be seen. In my opinion this is way weirder than a floating witch.
The ending of the film is so underwhelming that I could hardly believe it. I mean really guys, did the filmmakers just get bored? Honestly, you would be hard pressed to find a movie with a worse ending. And that is not a joke.
Snore Factor: ZZZZ (like a late night commercial, it will wake you up occasionally)