The Monster Squad

Goonies is great. Monster Squad is better. A bold statement, maybe. But for those who grew up loving monsters and things that go bump in the night, there may not be a more universally loved film. So, when it called to me from the bargain (!!!) Blu-Ray bin, my fate was sealed. I would watch Monster Squad tonight in glorious 1080P.

Van Helsing blew it. Dracula is back and he is rounding up his old pals (Creature from the Lagoon, Mummy, Wolfman, and Frankenstein) in order to take over the world. The world’s only hope, a 12 year-old monster-obsessed boy, Sean, and his pals. Seriously, this is my favorite plot in history. Does it get any better than that? Shane Black can write the hell out of movies. I love this movie so much that I am going to make a list of things I love about it. Here we go:

  • Fred Dekker
  • “Stephen King Rules” t-shirt
  • Scary German Guy
  • Scary German Guy knowing a lot about monsters (Nazis)
  • Casual smoking by 12 year-olds
  • Casual swearing by 12 year-olds
  • Virgin sluts – “Well, Steve, but he doesn’t count.”
  • Fat Kid
  • Practical (non-CGI) monsters that looked fantastic!
  • Frankenstein and the little sister
  • Alternative ways to kill werewolf conversation
  • Mother ‘effin business cards y’all!
  • “My name is HORACE”
  • “Meeting adjourned!”
  • “Phoebe the feeb”
  • “This is great! This is in…German.”
  • “Give me the amulet, you bitch!”
  • “Come on, don’t be chicken shit!”
  • “There is a monster in my closet”
  • “See ya later, Band-Aid breath.”
  • “Hey Rudy! Know any virgins?”
  • Every other piece of dialogue in the movie
  • And of course, “Wolfman’s got nards!”

Seriously, every single thing on that list makes me smile with the unabashed joy. There is a poster here, that I would give all my arms (both of them) to own. It combines my two favorite horror films into one insanely awesome poster. If you own it and want to sell it to me or trade for my limbs, please let me know.

Snore Factor: Z (One of the all-time best, will keep you up at any hour)

IMDB 1987


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  • Matt-suzaka

    I used to watch The Monster Squad constantly as a kid, and while I love The Goonies, The Squad is always where it’s at. I can recite much of the dialogue in the film and a few of my favorite lines are:

    He’s gonna kill your son!

    It’s your last chance for pie!

    Eat up…and we’ll call it a day.

    Scary German guy is bitchen!

    Maybe you have a…stupidity problem!

  • Micah

    Definitely one of my favorite movies of all-time. I would love to see this film shown at midnight screenings. Fans could dress up like their favorite characters, ya know, do the Rocky Horror thing.

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