Prime Evil

September 6, 2010 3:10 pm 1 comment , , ,

Prime Evil is a film so bad that it becomes unintentionally hilarious. I happen to treasure films that fall into this category. Everything in the film reeks of ineptitude. The acting, the plot, the characters, the direction. If it is part of the film, it misses the mark on all accounts.

The plot revolves around a group of Satanists that have an in with the Big Bad Man himself. They have a deal. If a member sacrifices a blood relative every 13 years, they remain immortal. Not too bad. You even get extra points for serving up virgins, of course.

The Church (good guys) sends a Nun to infiltrate the cult. The Satanists almost immediately welcome her into the fold. This is achieved by renouncing God, talking off her clothes, breaking some pottery and wearing a necklace. Once inside the cult, she doesn’t do anything because there is another plot going on that was deemed more important.

The granddaughter of a guy who is already in the cult is busy trying not to get sacrificed by her grand papa. She is a virgin. This is because she was sold into child pornography by her father and is now severely messed up in the cranium. Though, 13 years ago her father disappeared. Hmm…I wonder what happened to him. The granddad is power hungry and wants to lead the cult. To do this, you must sacrifice the most virgins and be able to lift 100 pounds over your head or something. Or at least I think that is how it works. Another thing the grandfather is good at is terrible acting.

This thing is supposed to be Satan. I think.

Oh, and I can’t forget about the cop. He is sarcastic at the most inopportune moments. After a lady nearly started crying about how a guy she knew couldn’t be dead he goes with this beauty of a line, “Well he’s not breathing. He wouldn’t talk to me. I guess he’s dead.” Zing! He’s a keeper. Other than his awkward one liners, he seems determined to be the worst cop he can be. Like the opposite of being the best you can be.

The poor granddaughter has guy problems. Her boy wants to bone. And she has a frigid and unused vagina. Her best friend dispenses sage advice like, “Don’t you wanna get poked?” Which is exactly what I was thinking. Doesn’t every woman just wanna get poked? Poking is so romantic and junk. It’s all the rage. “Let’s go poke tonight, baby.” Works like a charm.

And finally, there is a puppet Satan that makes an appearance. Of all the things I have ever imagined Satan would look like, a puppet was not one of them. At first I thought it was an action figure. Yes, that is how bad it looks.

The guy who directed this crapfest made porn before. At least his prior films always ended with an explosion of some sort. This film just needed to end…sooner.

Snore Factor: ZZZZ

IMDB 1988

Trailer:

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  • Volunteer12

    best review ever