Hatchet

You weren't using this face anymore, were you?

Two words. Victor Crowley. He would rip off the arms of Jason Voorhies (ironic, huh?) and use them to beat Freddy Krueger to a bloody pulp. Say hello to the world’s next slasher icon.

I picked up a copy of Hatchet on Blu-ray tonight (and got it signed by director Adam Green and the cast!) and promptly blew off some plans that involved hot chicks and copious amounts of alcohol in order to watch this film in glorious 1080p. This is what my life has come to. Chicks vs. Horror. But that’s a whole other issue for another blog. Right now it’s Hatchet time.

Hatchet is a modern telling of the classic ‘80s slasher genre. Even though the film is set in modern day (people have those crappy Nokia cell phones for some reason still) it bleeds the ‘80s from every pore. After a Robert Englund serves up some advice on how to pee like a man (and then is promptly mutilated) the film gets going.

"James Cameron still cast me in Avatar even though I once did a horror movie."

A couple buddies, two “Girls Gone Wild” hoes, a “fake” porn director, an older couple, and the worst tour guide in the world saddle up and take a late night boat tour through New Orleans swamp land. They chat a little about the legend of Victor Crowley (a deformed boy with a hatchet that is prone to massive killing sprees), whose backyard they happen to be in right before their tour boat crashes and sinks.

Victor (Kane Hodder) shows up right on queue and infuses about a million volts of awesome into the movie by hacking a guy in half with his hatchet. It takes around five brutal hacks, but he finally gets it. He follows that up by tearing some poor lady’s face in two by ripping her jaw apart. Oh Sh*t! This movie just got gruesome. If you love insanely gory deaths, this is your movie. Blood sprays, twisted off heads, you name it – Victor probably does it.

Of course, the movie is a bit of comedy. In between Victor kindly showing the group how to kill two people with one shovel and a belt sander, there are plenty of nervous jokes. Joel Moore (Avatar) is fantastic. Some of you might remember him as the super nerdy video game designer who thinks he is a robot in Grandma’s Boy. His comedy chops are proven and he easily carries this flick.

Hatchet was my favorite horror film released in 2007 by a mile. It brings back fond memories of what made the early slashers great. Before the commercialism, before the over-saturation, before the major suckage. This is “Old School, American Horror” at it’s absolute best.

And to those who complain there isn’t enough original horror in theaters, you best be at the theater of your choosing at midnight, October 1st for the (nearly) nationwide release of Hatchet II, not brought to you by the MPAA. I swear to God, if I find out that even one person that reads this post watches Saw 47 over Hatchet II; I will tell your mother about your masturbation habits (and sleep with your girlfriend where applicable).

Snore Factor: Z (one of the best)

IMDB 2007

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