Bitten

September 21, 2010 7:46 am 0 comments , ,

I never thought it could come to this, but tonight I’m watching and reviewing a horror movie starring none other than Jason Mewes. Yes, Jay of the infamous Jay and Silent Bob duo. Lately, it’s occurred to me what a long strange trip it’s been and this movie cements that thought perfectly. Never in a million years would I watch this if it weren’t for this project.

Mewes stars as a lovesick EMT (ambulance driver) that takes in a smoking hot, blood-covered girl he finds in a dumpster. Seeing that he hasn’t got any in a while, this seems like a good move. Unfortunately, she turns out to be a recently turned vampire who craves blood. She’s also really good at not wearing clothes, much to this reviewers delight. In fact, I dare say that being topless is what she is best at – it’s her calling in life.

Early on the story is mostly just silly, highlighted by Mewes inexplicably break-dancing on a floor that was covered in his now dead ex-girlfriend’s blood and then breaking the fourth wall. This early comedy falls flat and I almost turned it off. But like I said, the vampire chick is really good at walking around nude. Did I mention I watched this movie at 4am? Boobs will do the trick at that hour.

As the film progresses the logic doesn’t get much better, but I found myself almost enjoying the dumbness. Why is this girl willingly staying locked inside? Why is she hooking up with Mewes? Can the vampire have harder nipples? These questions and more kept my interested peaked well into the early morning.

At one point, the director even throws in a soft-core porn threesome that looks like something that was on Cinemax in the early 90’s. It’s comes complete with extensive blue gel use rendering the whole scene nearly unwatchable. At least the next morning is rather exciting (see photo on the right for a hint).

Eventually, Mewes has to deal with the escalating body count, which includes pretty much every actor in the film. I guess if you run out of actors the movie would logically have to end. Another factor, Mewes literally has run out of space to hide bodies in his apartment. Freezer. Check. Giant chest. Check. Stuffed into a corner. Check. Apparently, he gets a good deal on Fabreeze (maybe Costco) because that place had to be absolutely rank by the end of the film.

All in all, if you are up at 4am this might not be a bad choice. It’s got hot vampire boobs going for it. And hey, there’s nothing wrong with hot vampire boobs. And anyway, fans of Mewes are probably too stoned to care about anything else.

Snore Factor: ZZZ (average, at best)

IMDB 2008

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...