The Burning

Ahh...I have a fake hand!

I am still pretty wound up after watching the amazing Hatchet II, so for today’s review I wanted needed another slasher flick. I got to thinking about which slashers reminded me of Hatchet. I didn’t have to think long because right in my Netflix Instant queue was the perfect choice – The Burning. It’s about a guy who gets burned in a cabin in the woods and is horribly disfigured and seeks revenge on everything ever. This guy might be Victor Crowley’s long lost uncle.

I like to look back on slashers and ponder what it would be like if Freddy and Jason hadn’t taken the world by storm. The Burning and Graduation Day easily could have become the dynamic duo. Instead of a knife-fingers and hockey masks, entire generations could have been scared to death of pruning shears (The Burning) and fencing masks (Graduation Day). I’ve spent the better part of the day thinking about this. Might have to do a follow up post exploring these ideas in detail.

You ever think about this stuff? Any other franchises you would have like to seen make it big?

Man, I hated this guy in Pretty Woman.

The Burning is a standard slasher affair (summer camp, killer loose), but features some of the angriest actors in the genre. All the bit players are there: Rapist guy, Nerd, Hot Chick, Less hot chick, Fat chick, George Costanza, and Camp Organizer guy. But each of them has apparently failed anger management 101. Most of the first 49 minutes is spent with the counselors bickering about the smallest things. Like who is going to get raped by Rapist Guy. And by most, I mean 46 of the 49 minutes. Frankly, it gets old.

Thank God the killer, Mr. Cropsy, finally decides to get his hack on at the 50 minute mark. His weapon of choice is a set of pruning shears. He opts for decapitations, random slashings, and elaborate ruses to collect his kills. Case in point: He steals a canoe, takes it several miles up a river, assumes the counselors will build a make-shift raft to search for the lost canoe, and waits for them to come to him before pouncing like a scissor-wielding giant puma. It’s all fun, but a bit ridiculous even by slasher standards.

Plenty of boobs manage to free themselves from the tyranny of shirts, though. Which is, of course, is good news. At least 75% of the potential goods are loosed before being hacked to bits. What’s not to love?

All-in-all, this is a fine ’80s slasher flick that sadly doesn’t get the respect it deserves. Watch this.

Snore Factor ZZ (Will keep you up!)

IMDB 1981 (The best year for horror movies)


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