Evil Remains / Trespassing

Evil Remains is a movie with two titles. That, my friends, is a sign of potential crappiness. If the filmmakers or producers couldn’t come up with one title and the stick with it, well, it doesn’t bode well. Also not boding well is the odds that this film will entertain anyone.

Estella Warren (Planet of the Apes Hottie, frequenter of my dreams) and some friends decide to put on their investigative research hats and tame a local myth as part of some guy’s thesis. The backwoods Louisiana place they rush out to visit is surrounded by legends and myths – none of which are pleasant. The gist, a whole bunch of bad stuff occurred on the property, a curse was born, anyone that trespasses goes crazy and lights everyone on fire. Just like every other generic “the place makes me go crazy movie” since the dawn of time.

Let me get this out of the way. This is one of the least enjoyable viewing experiences I have had. The reasons abound. First, who shot this movie? Entirely too many close-ups. It got quite ridiculous and frustrating to almost never be able to see what was going on around the characters. On that note, when you have a beautiful woman in your movie, please learn how to shoot her correctly. Yes, it is horror. You want to put her through brutal and disgusting moments. That’s a given. But there is a right way and a wrong way to go about doing it. No one, not even Estella Warren, looks good from low-angle close-up nostril shots. It’s the equivalent to the grundle shot in porn.

The pacing is way too slow. None of the characters are worth caring for. It’s the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over. And for some inexplicable reason the characters babble on about bullsh*t for what seems like days at a time. Less talking. More dying. It’s tried and true horror strategy.

The film is a mess, and for the first hour or so Estella and her dykemate wander around the woods setting off bear traps. Why are they setting off bear traps? It’s a mystery. The bigger mystery is why would have you two lesbians trouncing around the wilderness that don’t get it on – even a little bit. Crude, I know. But give us something to work with here.

Trespassing/Evil Remains fails on every conceivable level.

Snore Factor: ZZZZZ (One of the worst)

IMDB 2004

Here’s the Trailer in German (it’s better that way, I promise):

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