A Return to Salem’s Lot

October 27, 2010 9:43 pm 0 comments

I watched this tonight because I felt it had been too long. And because I am a glutton for punishment.

An anthropologist (Michael Moriaty) is asked to write a Bible for a group of North Eastern vampires who migrated to the U.S. around the same time as the Pigrims. They have lived in secrecy, mostly feasting on cows (and only occasionally humans). Spoiler warning – only because this movie sucks so much that ruining the plot doesn’t matter.

Moriaty is tasked by vamps in part because he grew up in the village as a child. Of course, kids are dumb so he didn’t notice that the whole town was full of vampires. What an idiot. Upon his return, his old flame is still living in town and looking exactly the same as she did before he left (Hint: She’s a sexy vamp). He bones her proper like and, unfortunately, without a condom. Moriaty already has a son so the lack of condoms should have come as no surprise. Speaking of his kid, the little brat is a troubled asshole that spends most of movie making people (like me) want to punch him.

Immediately, the father/son duo see an innocent girl murdered, find out vampires exist, witness a wedding between 11 year olds. So what do they do? Run, right? Wrong. They both go hook up with vampires. Makes sense, right? Well, it actually does. Gettin’ some is totally boss!

Eventually an old man is invited to hang out with them. The old dude is like Van Helsing, but more awesome. Then the vampires eat a bus load of people, Moriaty’s old crush suddenly becomes 9 months pregnant with his baby, and his son begins to turn into a vampire. Somehow all of this manages to be INCREDIBLY boring.

Blah, blah, blah the judge is the head vampire and he must be killed by the rag-tag group of misfits.This involves a moment of truth where the head vamp reveals his “true face”, which is a rubber mask clearly purchased from a $.99 cent store barrel. Apparently, the 12 million dollar budget was spent on cocaine and lap dances for Moriaty. It’s the only logical explanation.

The kid eventually impales the head honcho with an American flag. How patriotic? Was this movie made by Republicans? I don’t know I am just glad it’s over and that all is once again well in Salem’s Lot. And by well, I mean this movie is a terrible turd that is responsible for spawning Tara Reid’s career.

The nicest thing I can say about this movie is that is was shot back-to-back with It’s Alive III: Island of the Alive and came out just slightly better.

Rating: 2/10

Snore Factor: ZZZZZ (Countin’ Sheep in under 10 minutes)

IMDB 1987

Vampires eating cows and talking about their drinking problems:

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