Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter is not about a time-traveling sea Captain that kills vampires, which was my first thought (and a great idea). The film is, however, about a womanizing master swordsman who has beef with the vamps of the world. Kronos is basically the James Bond of vampire hunters. He solves mysteries, kills the baddies, and plays hide the sausage with the ladies.
The movie is light on gravitas and scares, but does explore some unique ideas and mythologies about vampires. The key being that there are as many types of vampires as “beasts of prey.” In the case of this film, Kronos and team are fighting off a variant that drains the life (and blood) of the young in order to keep their eternal youth. Sort of a Dorian Gray meets Dracula.
Early on in the film Kronos and his hunchback friend find a girl locked in the stocks. Not just any girl, mind you, but an absolutely beautiful one. Her crime, as best I could tell, was being too hot. Kronos allows her to join the team and share a few shags together (Spoiler Alert) before randomly dismissing her at the end of the film. It’s about as sexist as it sounds, and as awesome.
Kronos, the hot girl, and his hunchback spend most of the film setting up traps in an effort at uncovering the identify of the vampire who is killing the local village’s young and chesty. Some of their traps include burying dead frogs in small canisters around the forest. Yep, the old dead frogs trick. Okay, I had never heard of that one, but, as it turns out, if a vampire goes near a submerged dead frog, the frog will come back to life. Who knew?
In the end Kronos manages to kill vampires, kill bar patrons, bone the hottie, and save the town. He gets this all in just around 90-minutes – which is right on for a typical Hammer flick. The joy of this movie comes from the big change in direction vs. what Hammer was known for early on. The Chris Lee, Peter Cushing vamps of the past are no where to be found.
A refreshing and fun flick that I will highly recommend to fans of horror satire/comedies.
365 Horror Rating: 6.5/10
Snore Factor: ZZZ