Dino De Laurentiis died today. Sad news for movie lovers. I thought it would be appropriate to watch a film he produced. And since I recently watched my favorite Dino flick, Army of Darkness (Which included a QA with Bruce Campbell where he related a couple very funny Dino stories) I had to go with something else. The next best thing I could find on Netflix was a Stephen King adaptation that the legendary man greenlit. Dino had a thing for King movies, producing all sorts of them (Maximum Overdrive, Silver Bullet, Cat’s Eye). Anyway, may Dino’s soul rest in peace and may his granddaughter, Giada, one day grant me a date and make us a delicious Italian dinner.
Onto the movie. An out of luck teacher with mullet moves back to his hometown for a gig at the high school. 27 years ago his family moved from the sleepy town after his brother died in an incident involving a train and a bunch of greasers. All these years later the greasers show up one by one in class, having not aged a bit since the fateful day that killed them along with his bro. The gang wants to get revenge and smoke cigarettes. They attempt both.
Like all Stephen King movies this one has a rather interesting plot. If awards were handed out for great plots the dude would have more than anyone. But, like most of the other film adaptations of his work, the execution comes off as cheesy and overly melodramatic.
The highlight of the film is the car (much like Christine). It’s black, painted with flames and shoots flames out of the rear tailpipe. The words “Bad” and “Ass” come to mind. The gang cruises around causing mischief, killing teens, chopping up bodies, and generally being douchey. Combined they have the same IQ as a bag of Gardettos Original Recipe (Which are delicious. The little circle pieces are the bees knees.)
The teacher must fight to protect his family. This is harder than it looks because his son’s main talent is inexplicably walking down the middle of the road by himself. His wife, well, she is just there and doesn’t manage to do anything really of note. Once in a while she makes breakfast or gets chased around, but mostly she is as worthless as a barrel of monkey nuts.
The end leaves a lot to be desired and involves all sorts of hocus pocusery and jibber jabber. Stephen King movies tend to have the worst endings. This one is no exception. Most of the movie plays out like a melodrama wrapped in a horror movie wrapped in mullets and flashbacks – the end highlighting all those elements and more.
Snore Factor: ZZZ (Middle of the road)