Today is that rare day when I don’t feel like writing. I don’t feel funny. I don’t feel like watching a movie. I really don’t feel like doing anything (besides your mom). It could be because nothing is going my way this week. The best laid plans have gone…awry. I only bring this up because my mood directly influenced my movie choice tonight. I needed to watch something that is so bad, so bat sh*t crazy that it would be impossible for me not to enjoy it. With that said, I proudly present Robo Vampire. A movie that is astoundingly ridiculous. A movie that can induce brain damage just from viewing. A movie with no equal. In other words, the perfect film to sunny up my sour disposition.
Okay. After a drug agent dies he is transformed into a robot – his mission is to save a girl, stop a drug ring and fight off bunny-hopping vampires. None of this matters because the movie rarely stays on course. It’s like an episode of Family Guy – completely random sh*t happens out of absolutely nowhere.
The drug lord uses his vampire army to guard his heroin stashes. Makes sense, right? If you had access to an army of vampires, the most logical thing would be to have them guard your heroin. It’s what I would do. The bad news (for the drug lord) is robot DEA agent is on the case. The thing about robot DEA agents is they aren’t to be effed with. What does the drug lord do? Easy. He hires a Shaolin monk to train his vampires and then track down the robot cop. Duh.
At some point another movie is spliced in. Not sure why, but this helps to maintain the confusion. Initially, it’s just random shots of a lady cutting open a dead cow (a real one) and stuffing drugs in the gut region. Random movie makes several other appearances throughout the film.
Also, in a random scene a bunch of inanimate vampires (they are either inanimate or killing machines – those are the only two speeds) begin to attack some henchman. After a wild fight it is determined that the vampires were placed too near rice powder, which, of course, causes them to awaken and kill everything in sight. Note to self: When around vampires, Heroin is fine, rice powder is not.
Okay, so then in another random scene (sensing a theme?) that blew my mind with its madness, a dead woman ghost thing (maybe a spirit) appears out of nowhere. She is upset because her and her lover killed themselves because their families didn’t approve of their love. But her lover is now a super-vampire. You know he is super because he wears a gorilla mask. The priest marries the super-vampire and the dead woman on the spot – gorilla mask and all. Later the super vampire shows of his awesomeness by shooting a deadly blast of steam that causes some guy’s face to melt off.
You might have heard or seen the next clip I am going to discuss. It involves Robo Cop, a bunch of vampires, and some dudes with rocket launchers. The vamps start hopping around in some sort of synchronized manner. Robo Cop starts shooting everything – of course, vampires can only be killed by bullets when it’s convenient to the plot so it takes a while for them to die. I’d say around a thousand clips or so. Then, some random guy pops up from behind a rock and shoots a rocket right at Robo Cop. It’s a direct hit. Finally, it is revealed that Robo Cop isn’t a DEA agent turned into an android, but rather a poorly constructed collection of sticks, tin foil, and bed sheets that is easily lit on fire.
Everything I just described takes place within the first 30 minutes. I am going to quit there. Okay, not quite. There is a love scene between the super gorilla vampire and the dead woman that culminates with Robo dude busting in and breaking up the sex. I am going to leave you with that thought – A robot breaking up sex between a gorilla vampire and a ghost.
Rating: Near unimaginable heights of stupidity. Rating system does not apply.
Snore Factor: Z (You will be laughing so hard that sleep would be impossible)