Vampires: Los Muertos

Jon Bon Jovi. That pretty much says all you need to know about this film. Jon Bon Jovi: Vampire Hunter. If there is one thing I think of when I think of Bon Jovi it is bad ass vampire killer. You with me? I mean, who better to replace James Woods? I feel like this review should say something like, “Bon Jovi and his acting career are really livin’ on prayer.” But that would make me an unoriginal douche. So I won’t do that. No. I will not stoop to taking pot shots at washed up cheese ball rock star from the hair metal era. That would be rude.

Jovi hunts vampires, kills them. Vampires are trying to walk in the day, but need some sort of special thing/person to happen to enable it. Jovi must stop it. Those few sentences have nearly as much depth as the entire movie. But that is the whole enchilada of a plot. No bueno.

Early on, Jovi chops off a vamps head and uses it for a hood ornament. When the sun rises, sparklers (the kind you give to 5 year olds) shoot out of the decapitated head. It looks as dumb as it sounds. This, though, is the highlight of the film. It’s all downhill.  Actually, the highlight of the film is when John Carpenter’s name is splashed across the screen as executive producer. Not surprisingly, for Carpenter, this is known as the low point in his career. Rumor has it, upon release of Los Muertos, John spent a month hiding in a tent in rural Mexico snorting blow off of local senorita’s bosoms. He said it was in an effort to cleanse himself from the stench known as the “Rock star effect.”

It’s important to note that I made up most of that last paragraph. Why? Well, there is nothing worthy to talk about that occurred in the film, so I figure why not make sh*t up. It’s better than reliving the movie.

Now, you may say I am being too harsh and that this is a decent low-budget film. You would be wrong. Sure, if it was produced by a group of businessmen from Fresno, this film wouldn’t be half bad. I would applaud them. But it’s not.

Rating: 3.5/10

Snore Factor: ZZZZ (Sleepy)

IMDB 1992

Trailer: