Breeders

This movie is so forgettable that I watched it awhile back and completely forgot about. And then re-watched it today and wished I’d hadn’t. For the record, I have spent just over 2.5 hours of my life watching Breeders.

The plot centers on a bunch of horny shape-shifting bug-eyed aliens intent on impregnating Manhattan’s bevy of 1980s nubile virgins. Mostly, though, the film is about showing off breasts in all shapes and sizes. Something it does very well. The chicks in this movie disrobe at an alarming rate. If there is a female on screen by herself for more than three seconds, she gets naked – regardless of the locale. Something virgins are known for, of course. Getting naked in random places.

This is a bad movie. Make no bones about it. Within the first three minutes the quality level, or lack thereof, becomes painfully obvious. Then the female doctor starts talking and the film moves on to lows nearly unheard of in thespianism. Honestly, the vast majority of pornographic performers are more convincing. The doctor, is however, more far more believable than the supposedly virgin model who has a thing for cocaine and being naked. Makes sense, right? Coked up model-types are usually pure as the driven snow. The model’s best acting comes from her ability to stretch naked for extended periods of time. It’s a tough job, but someone had to do it.

Speaking of thespians, why does everyone in the movie pause for dramatic effect before saying the word “virgin” in a sentence? Oh, that’s right. The pause gives the chance for a piece of clue music to be played. Like the music in old school Nintendo Zelda when a new puzzle is unlocked.

The majority of the movie involves the doctor and a detective wandering around and practicing wooden acting while falling in love. This happens even after the doctor at one point says, “It’s a case like this that makes me want to kill every man ever born.” Sounds like the kinda woman that guys would be flocking to spend time with. I know I want a date.

Now onto the alien sperm bath. This is clearly the filmmaker’s sole reason for making this boob-laden flick. The aliens travel from galaxies light years away to ejaculate all over and in Earth hotties, typically dowsing them fire hydrant quantities of baby batter. That totally makes sense. Earth has a lot of babes and aliens have been obsesses with them for years. But that is nothing compared to the vat of sperm that a bunch of nuded up “virgins” frolic in. This scene is particularly noteworthy because gratuitous T&A seemed to be the only point. Then again, that is the whole point of the movie –freeing sweater puppies from the tyranny of the shirt.

Rating: 3/10

Snore Factor: ZZZZZ (Countin’ sheep within minutes)

IMDB 1986

Trailer: