Stanley

Tim is a Native American Vietnam Vet who only has affection for his venomous pets known commonly as snakes. The thing is he is neither a convincing veteran of any war or Native American. He is, however, a very Caucasian man with dubious acting talents and a predilection for bursting into superhero mode when someone is about to shoot one his pets – which is every snake in the Everglades.

He also owns one of the dumbest sweaters ever made. It’s a blinding mix of blacks, yellows, and Christmas-like designs that allows him, I think, to disorient Rattle Snakes, in order to pick them up with his bare hands. Also, it gives him magic leg bit proof powers. This is an important sweater, no doubt. We know this because he hangs it up over the sink in his woodland shack – just the place where any logical person would put their best clothing item.

I attempted to look up the IQ of a snake as to make a comparison to Tim’s IQ, but could only find info about Solid Snake’s (from Metal Gear Solid) IQ – which is an astonishing 180. For reference, the combined IQ of the all of the characters in the movie is under 80. It’s not that they are all bad thespians. Oh wait, that is exactly it. The best acting of the bunch is without a doubt from the snakes. Stanley, the main killer snake, has more talent in his legless, eye-lidless, scaly, slimy body than any of the so called “talent” featured in the film.

Did I mention that Tim is a crazy bigot? That comes into play because the movie tells us that he both a minority and a veteran, which basically, gives him full reign to hate everyone ever. And if you hate something, as you know, releasing a pile of trained killer snakes is a totally awesome way to get revenge. And that is Tim’s modus operandi – getting bloody revenge! Specifically, against the local redneck clothing shop gangster who wants to make belts out of snakes. Yeah, that is the plot: Snake lover fights off evil clothing merchant with deadly snakes. How can you not freakin’ love it!

The thing about snakes is they don’t give a f*ck. Oh, they may save you a time or two from local snake poachers and thugs, but don’t be fooled. Snakes don’t give a f*ck. They are heartless killing machines with beady eyes and no remorse. It’s the reason Willard went with rats and Indy is frightened by them.

The movie is painfully slow for the first 45 minutes – featuring only one dude (outside of Tim) getting bit in the rear, and a few sentimental moments in which Tim talks to his snakes and dresses them with floral headbands. Really. Or even burying dead pet snakes and their babies, complete with little crosses over their graves. Yep, true story. But once the film gets going, it is pretty fun to watch in a bad Florida based B-movie kinda way. I have no idea what that means, but I liked it. Basically, once the belly dancer bites the head off of a real snake the film moves into a level of ridiculous not scene in most films – ever.

Stanley is mostly inept, mostly stupid, but almost always a groove.

Rating: 5/10

Snore Factor: ZZZ

IMDB 1972

Trailer:

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