I have no excuses for watching this movie. From the name alone I knew it was going to be a poor choice. Sometimes you have to take one for the team and jump on the grenade. Except with me if you present an Oscar caliber film next to a piece of trash like this one, I will always pick the B-movie. It’s the way I roll with both movies and women.
The high level overview is Secret Screams has a terminal case of stupid. I have seen hundreds and hundreds of horror films and this one lands somewhere near the bottom 10%. Not quite Manos / Troll 2 levels of crapdom, but still pretty far down there. A woman is tormented by a ghost without a head (not that a ghost would need a head anyway). A paranormal studies professor examines the disturbances and falls in love with the woman at the same time. Can you say melodramatic bullsh*t? I can.
Besides having only one decent scare (A nifty little séance scene) the films lays a turd in all respects. Most notably sucktastic is the acting of the professor. He gives a performance that will surely make you cringe and, at times, almost feel bad for the guy. If I was one of the Internet dudes who made .Gifs out of funny sayings and terrible acting, I would take on this movie. It’s a virtual cornucopia of crappy one-liners.
Even though the guy is a professor, he is clearly a couple blocks behind the parade. To be fair, it’s not that his acting is so bad, it his lack of acting that is so bad. If there were an Oscar for underacting it would be between this guy and the guy from Death Bed: The Bed that Eats who, after his skin is peeled off of his arms, nonchalantly sits in the corner (no screaming, just chilling). Here, an invisible demon grabs the professor by the neck, begins to squeeze him, and finally sits on him. His reaction in monotone voice, “Wait, I think I sat in his chair.” What does it take to rattle this guy!?!
(Spoiler) The real fun begins once we find out the ghost is actually the chick’s Dad; who routinely raped his little girl since she was about 11 years-old. And kept raping her all the way until she had an incest baby that the father buried in the backyard. Yep. Add a horribly depressing side topic to the list of reasons not to watch this movie.
Parts are comically bad, but not nearly enough to make this a fun bad movie. The only thing Secret Screams provides is a miserable way to waste 90 minutes of your life.
Seriously. Don’t. Watch. This. Film.
Snore Factor: ZZZZZ (One of the worst)