Once upon a time there was a director. His name was John Carpenter. He was totally awesome. He made movies that were more awesomer than most. Classics like Halloween, The Fog, Escape From New York and They Live. He’s good and makes good movies. He also makes amazing music for his movies. People should look up to him and want to make films like his. This take of Village of the Damned is a remake of the 1960 classic film based on a John Wyndham book. It’s got moments of suspense and Kirstie Alley before she became a cow, along with Superman before he became a cripple. This paragraph really didn’t have a point. I just like John Carpenter. And Kirstie Alley is a cow. Don’t believe? Look at this.
A small American town (aren’t they all in horror movies?) is raped by a mysterious force causing 10 women to become pregnant on the same day and deliver their bastard alien children on the same night. Christopher Reeve and some of the local folks are introduced to Kirstie Alley, who plays chain smoking government person. She is evil and takes one of the babies during birth and conducts studies on its body. The other 9 babies grow up, form pairs (except for the loser kid, David whose partner was the one experimented on by that chick from Cheers), decide to wear the same outfit, and, oh yeah, murder everyone.
The murdering is accomplished by severe eye-glowing which starts out greenish and then turns red with intensity. The brilliant part is the kids don’t actually commit the murder; they simply suggest things like jumping off a cliff to their parents, who are mesmerized and do exactly what the kids say. The film starts out rather creepy, specifically when the kids are babies. A particularly harrowing scene involves a woman being forced to put her hand in a boiling vat of vegetable soup is by far the most disturbing in the flick. But the kids grow up, in a few awkwardly paced scenes, and become little snot-nosed cocky bastards.
Unlike almost every John Carpenter movie the music is flat and easy to forget. Usually his low bass beats are stuck in my head for weeks after watching one of his films. This made me a sad panda. True story.
If you were to compare to the original film you would have to say this is a weaker effort. There is no doubt. The tension isn’t there, the ending is dumber, and Mark Hamill is a terrible actor. Note to Mark Hamill: You weren’t type cast because of Star Wars, you just suck at acting. That oughtta rile someone up. This version of the film is just some mindless fun featuring familiar faces from the canon of television and movies in the ‘90s. Has anyone ever said, “Man, we gotta go see that new Kirstie Alley flick?” The answer is no. No they haven’t.
Skip this and watch the original. I feel like I say that a lot, but it is usually true. Kinda like how you should skip the Halloween remake and watch the original Carpenter version. Sometimes it’s best to leave good things alone.
Snore Factor: ZZZ