Jennifer’s Body

February 17, 2011 9:37 pm 1 comment , ,

The use of teeth is not recommended

This movie has taken a beating in many circles for being abysmal. Which it is. Abysmal. Even Megan Fox wearing a tight fitting Evil Dead t-shirt and making out with a chick can’t save this movie. And if two chicks making out while wearing retro horror t-shirts can’t do it, you know it must suck. Not surprisingly, Megan Fox was nominated for a Razzie for her acting efforts. But I think the important thing to note is that for the individuals who still find her attractive (the number is dwindling it seems) this movie may cause awkward boners. Let me explain how they occur, “Oh, looky there. That chick is soo hot, I’m sportin’ a partial. Yeah baby! Unzip that hoodie in a way that barely covers your yummy breasts. That’s right. Oh, what the sh*t, she just ate him!” An awkward boner is born.

The follow up to Diablo Cody’s heart-warming tale of a high school student who sucks at not getting pregnant (Juno) is not a good one. This was the horror hype machine fail of 2009. I seem to remember being super excited for this. Cody seemed like a good fit and talked the talk about her horror knowledge, even throwing in a tribute to Herschell Gordon Lewis in Juno. There was good reason to believe this would be sweet horror flick. Unfortunately, the movie never figures out what it wants to be. Is this horror? Is this comedy? The unbalance is almost as awkward as the boners Miss Fox causes. It’s truly a film that has no identity.

This is the look this movie will cause on your face

A band decides to sacrifice a virgin in order to become “like that guy from Maroon 5” and they have chosen Megan Fox. The problem is she wasn’t really a virgin which turns her into a succubus. Oddly, the sacrifice still works from the band’s perspective as they get rich and famous anyway. Megan’s BFF is a nerdy girl who likes having boring, but realistic, sex with a guy named Chip. Really. There is a guy named Chip. After Megan eats her way through a football player and a goth kid she decides to eat her BFF’s BF. Sh*t goes down because as you know, the whole BFF and BF business can be so OMG.

I have compiled a small list of the most cringe-worthy pieces of dialogue (enjoy):

Needy Lesnicky: You’re killing people?
Jennifer Check: No. I’m killing boys.

Jennifer Check: You need a mani bad. You should find a Chinese chick to buff your situation.

Needy Lesnicky: You know what? You were never really a good friend. Even when we were little, you used to steal my toys and pour lemonade on my bed.
Jennifer Check: And now, I’m eating your boyfriend. See? At least I’m consistent.

Jennifer Check: I just got Aquamarine on DVD. It’s about a girl who’s, like, half sushi. She must’ve had sex with a blowhole or something.

Jennifer Check: [after Needy stabs Jennifer in her chest] My tit.
Needy Lesnicky: No, your heart.

Chip Dove: She can fly?
Needy Lesnicky: She’s just hovering… It’s not that impressive.
Jennifer Check: God, Do you have to undermine everything I do? You are such a player hater.

Just compiling that list made me hurt. Abysmal, I tell ya.

Rating: 3/10

Snore Factor: ZZZZ

IMDB 2009

Trailer:

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  • Metacritic

    Many folks don’t get this movie, thinking films must fit tightly into a genre cliche mold.  This film is exactly like a Joss Whedon Buffy the Vampire episode with more production values and snappier dialogue.  This is satire.