Empire of the Ants

February 22, 2011 3:15 pm 0 comments

I love silly ‘70s horror “nature’s revenge” movies. Why? Because they never cease to make me laugh out loud. They always start the same with a narrator foreshadowing the events to come. Killer frogs, roosters, crabs, mutants or even ants, as in this case, will undoubtedly exact revenge on humans for their misdeeds. They will do so by utilizing a tremendous amount of stock footage while actors pretend to be killed off. They will do this poorly and in wildly unbelievable manners. Empire of the Ants has all those plus a shady real-estate agent, telekinesis that will literally blow your mind, and a sugar silo. It’s a can’t lose situation.

Right off the get go the narrator tells us that ants are more awesome than humans. They can lift really really heavy stuff and have magical pheromone powers. Humans on the other hand have toxic waste and suck. Proven by a random boat that is happy-go-luckily dropping nuclear waste about 50 yards off the coast of some beachfront property. Because this is the best place to dispose of toxic waste.

Enter Joan Collins, a shady real-estate woman, who is trying to lure poor saps into buying property that she says will eventually become a community of sheer awesomeness. She’s lying of course, but that doesn’t matter. The important part is that a group of strangers are boated out to the middle of nowhere. This makes it easier for them to band together and fight off giant ants or die like fools.

Naturally the ants get into the toxic waste and within a few hours have mutated into giant killing machines. A few moments later they have taken over a nearby town and through telekinesis and pheromone power have forced the humans to feed them out of a giant sugar plant. This is one of my favorite and most ridiculous twists of all time. Just think about it for a few moments. Giant ants are forcing humans to produce and feed them sugar. It even gets so bad that the humans begin ordering more sugar from nearby towns to satisfy the thirst of their new Gods.

The people, as if they matter, are an eclectic bunch of asshats with a combined IQ of 6. There’s a rapist married guy, a good guy whose wife left him, a hotttie, some old people and a retiree along with Joan and the captain of the boat. Together they get rescued by a Sherriff and driven to the town with the sugar plant. But that is not before fighting off ants that are clearly in a glass container walking around on what looks nothing like the environment the actors are in. Also, some random fake ant heads and pieces are chucked around for good measure. Usually these pieces are moved towards an actor who is trying to pretend they are not losing every shred of dignity they ever had. I even think I saw one actor’s soul literally break.

Anyway, the moral of this story is that ants will some day be our overlords and I, for one, welcome them. And yes, this movie is mostly a documentary if you couldn’t already tell from the review.

Rating: 5/10

Snore Factor: ZZZ

IMDB 1977


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