While looking through my DVDs I came across a double feature disc with no matching case. Closer inspection of the disc showed me that one of the films was none other than the Treat Williams starring epicly terrible film titled Night of the Sharks. Almost as much fun as watching the movie was trying to figure out where I got it. My best guess is a dollar bin at a Walmart – a place I only go when I am drunk or visiting Texas.
For those not familiar with Sweet Treat he’s the direct-to-video equivalent of Harrison Ford and Tom Cruise combined. The man is a B-movie legend and should be held in high regard for his work, but unlike Bruce Campbell or Jeffrey Combs, but like Rodney Dangerfield, he gets no respect. The man somehow makes it into almost every movie ever from The Empire Strikes Back to 127 Hours. He’s amazing and terrible and amazing all at the same time.
An astounding plot unfolds over the course of 90 minutes. One that is only unbelievable if you find reality to be a concern. The short of it is this is a gangster-bribe-diamonds-killer-shark-surprise-twist movie. It’s also of importance to note the film was entirely produced, written, edited, and directed by an Italian crew and shot in the Dominican Republic.
Treat is beach bum living the high life in the Dominican Republic with his local girlfriend and hetero life mate. Everyone loves Treat except for a particularly cunning two-eyed shark named Cyclops, which has a personal vendetta against the island’s favorite man for no apparent reason. The shark does thing like eat tourists, start fists fights and steal Treat’s boat. It’s complete shenanigans. But that’s only half the fun.
In a seemingly unrelated movie a man tries to double cross some gangsters by extorting them with a CD that contains criminal conversations between them and the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. Yeah, this sh*t goes all the way to the top. The extorter asks for payments in diamonds. Really! Treat eventually gets a hold of this CD (no explanation on why or how is needed). The gangsters are hot on his trail, so Treat does the most logical thing he can think of. He tricks the shark into eating a piece of meat that has the CD in question inside of it. The old hide the damning evidence in the belly of a shark routine. If I had a nickel…
Treat turns into Crocidile Dundee / James Bond for the rest of the film. In between breaking up bar fights by offering free tequila and screwing his ex-wife randomly, he outsmarts the hit-men with ease. And since Treat doesn’t believe in guns, he does this with a knife and some help from his shark frenemy. All of this is set to an exciting ‘80s electronica soundtrack which sounds like the kind of thing that might need a warning for causing possible brain damage.
If you are looking for the perfect film for a bad movie night this is it. Night of the Sharks has it all: Drama, love, horror, action, two-eyed sharks named Cyclops, and enough bad acting to make a Mentos commercial look Oscar worthy.
Rating: 8.5 stars of badness
Snore Factor: Z
Shark stealing a boat: