Yes, I have been slacking off big time on reviews. I was dating, moving, and doing other pesky real life things. All of which are finished. Plus, being funny and sarcastic on the internet is more fun than the perils of dating in Hollywood (where being a tall douchebag a**hole wanna be actor / drummer / surfer is the only sure way to get chicks). And a WHOLE lot less degrading. But that doesn’t mean I havent’ been watching horror flicks. So, without further ado, here is new column that I will do once a month for films I saw, but didn’t get around to writing a full review on.
After Scream 3 vomited its way onto the big screen I had given up on Wes Craven. And yet I somehow still ended up watching Cursed, Red Eye, My Soul to Take and the latest Scream. That run of films is one of the worst from any director in any genre. There isn’t a single watchable film in the bunch. Scream 4 is a pandering piece of nostalgic sh*t which is only slightly better than a turd sandwich. Yes, the cameos will make num nuts say stuff like, “Man, I would totally bang that Hayden Panahottie chick. Just one night alone, man. You see those perky puppies? Yum-diddly-um.” The main problem with the film is that somehow through 4 films none of the core cast ever manages to die. It’s time for Dewey, Sidney, and Gail to be decapitated and repeatedly stabbed – especially Dewey. There is no sense of danger, just tedium. You know who is going to live. You know who is going to die. No rules have been re-written. Nothing interesting happens. All-in-all, it’s a less funny version of Scary Movie 3. Ya know, the one with Charlie Sheen.
A movie that prides itself on not making sense. Finally. A discarded tire “wakes” up one afternoon and discovers itself over the course of 90 minutes. What is discovers is that it harbors homicidal tendencies and the power to telekinetically make heads explode. The film also intentionally breaks the 4th wall on numerous occasions (it’s a big part of the schtick). I don’t have a lot to say about this one other than if you want to watch a personified tire go all Scanners on puny human heads then this is the movie for you. And if you are that kind of person then I consider you a close friend. In short: Killer tire movies should be celebrated by all. This one is a must watch.
My favorite horror film of 2011 so far (just nudging ahead of Insidious). Vampire apocalypse movie that features Christian crazies dropping vamps from helicopters onto a country hoe-down party. The main protagonist, Mister, is equal parts Mr. Miyagi, Van Helsing, and Honey Badger – with just a dash of Ash. People are saying it’s The Road meets Zombieland and I don’t disagree, though it is more the former in tone. Horror favorite, Danielle Harris (Hatchet 2, Halloween 4) stars as a pregnant chick who hikes around the wilderness in high-heel boots – another plus. Amazing gore, crazy good fights, tons of suspense, and non-glittery vampires. Solid all around – especially considering how low budget this film is. Bravo.