Birdemic: Shock and Terror

Just like Mother Nature intended

Every once in a while I come across a movie that mystifies and mesmerizes. A movie so bad that words could never do it justice. Birdemic: Shock and Terror is such a film. By now you’ve probably heard of James Nyugen’s epic of epicness and it’s meteoric rise to cult status. In 2009, after being rejected by Sundance, Mr. Nyugen covered an SUV in fake blood and bird poop and drove around film festivals blaring seagull noises as part of a one-man P.R. journey. It worked. The film has played to packed midnight theaters across the U.S. and the lore of the film has grown and grown – culminating in its arrival on Netflix Instant. Yes, you can now watch this turkey in the comfort of your own home. Thank Zeus.

The first thing you should know about this film is that not one single frame works in the entire film. The ineptitude of the filmmaking is comprehensive.

The film starts off with a driving shot that last approximately five light years give or take a millennium. The beauty of this opening, besides being mind-numbingly long, is the looped music that builds to a climax making one think the movie is about to start before once again looping.  I’m almost certain this is how hell works. Finally our hero, Rod, pulls up to a diner and exits his fancy blue Mustang. He then catches the eye of a hottie model named Natalie.

Since the invention of awkward conversations, there have only been five conversations that were rated the most uncomfortable, the most cringe inducing. The first one between Natalie and Rod left them all behind. Yes, they are Buttercup and Wesley times a billion. I blushed from embarrassment on more than one occasion. For the next 40 minutes the story revolves around Rod and Natalie falling in love along with Rod installing solar panels at his house. Oh, and Natalie does a photo shoot in a strip mall’s one hour photo shop. At least I think it was a shoot, maybe she was just getting her passport photo.  It’s riveting stuff.

It’s important to note that Rod is proud of his blue Mustang, though not as proud as the director. This is apparent because out of the first 40 minutes of screen time there is a solid 10 minutes devoted to scenes involving casual driving around town. I’m not 100% certain, but I think somewhere in these unbelievably enthralling shots of a blue Mustang cruising aimlessly around town the movie is able to steal your immortal soul. We should probably get some scientists to check into that.

After the excruciating first 40 minutes the birds finally arrive whilst Natalie and Rod are involved in an uncomfortable sex scene (see it to believe it). The bird attack is on! These foul fowl explode on impact and contain acid. Oh my! Oh, and by birds I mean GeoCities .Gifs from circa 1997. The two star-crossed lovers band up with another couple, magic up some M16s, find /save random children, and shoot the piss out of the never-ending clip art gallery hovering perilously over their heads.

Where’d they get the M16s – which conveniently never need reloading? Why do the birds explode? Why are the birds suicide-bombing the town? Because it’s a f*cking movie is why? Don’t ask stupid questions. Anyway, none of this matters because at one point someone asks Rod where another member of the gang is at and he replies, “She’s taking a shit.” Which sums up the movie perfectly. The whole thing is taking a shit – making it the perfect bad movie.

Moral of the story: Installing solar panels is good for the environment and will greatly diminish the chance that exploding eagles will reign down hell fire on your town.

 

Snore Factor: ZZZ

Rating: 1/10

Trailer:

 

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