September 21, 2011 11:36 am 0 comments ,

I hate Bayou Tarantulas too!

(Note: This review will be laced with spoilers)

To call Creature bad would not be fair. It’s stupendously, stunningly, staggeringly bad. BAD. That said, it’s hilarious (albeit for all the wrong reasons) and destined to be every bit as Cult as Birdemic, Manos or Troll 2. But unlike the others, Creature is the only one that gets to *proudly* declare that it had the worst EVER opening of a movie playing on at least 1,500 screens (Box Office Mojo). Of course box office take can’t measure cult status (or anything related to the quality of a film). The fact that on average less than six people attended each showing during the opening weekend will only reinforce this movie’s status (and provide a piece of trivia to midnight bad movie hosts the country wide).

Studios and distributors will take notice of this epic fail. I personally want to punch the filmmakers in the dick. Not for securing such a big release (bravo actually), but for putting out a product that is so inferior and ass backwards to what’s going on in horror today. This year alone has seen a resurgence of good horror (Insidious, Wake Wood, Troll Hunter, Monsters, I Saw the Devil) that all, minus Insidious (the most successful film of 2011 dollars wise), would have benefited from a wide stateside release AND given credit to the genre. So, F*CK YOU!

Onto the film review.

Okay, if you like horror films with pesky things like coherent plots, remotely believable characters, on screen kills or even the smallest parcel of a redeeming quality you need to look somewhere else. Creature is rather miserable on just about every level.

In the history of this site and my 400+ reviews I’ve never broken out the ultimate insult because I’ve never felt there’s been a *worthy* film. Until today. So, here it goes:

Mr. Andrews, what we’ve just watched is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen. At no point in your rambling, incoherent movie were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this theater is now dumber for having seen it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

BAM! Full female frontal to start (the frat guys at my screening go wild). Me? I ponder why there is a naked lady taking a dip in a most disgusting Louisiana swamp. Oh, so an alligator can eat her. Duh. What was I thinking? Well, we assume she was eaten but can’t be sure. A bloody shirt indicates maybe something happened. What we can be sure of is that at one point a man is supposedly killed for being fat (and liking potato chips) by some stock footage of gator.

It’s a fun tunnel of a movie. Let me tell you.

A group of young adults heading into the Bayou, taking the shortcut (of course), stop for supplies at a Hick-N-Go ran by Sid Haig and his cronies. It’s hard to tell what’s more insulting. The blatant stereotyping of the hicks (they all are dirty, smelly, toothless weirdos) or the complete lack of giving a sh*t in the character archetypes of the young adults. They’re a bunch of bland, unlikeable asshats who you can only hope will die awful terrible deaths. The only gang of characters I’ve ever come across that are more unlikeable are the ones in the crapfest known as Altitude.

Sid Haig, everyone

One of the kids recants the back story about a half man creature living in the Bayou. I know what you are thinking and you’re right. That sounds an awful lot like Victor Crowley. And wait, he’s in the Bayou killing kids? Yeah, and the locals sell swamp tours. Can someone say Hatchet? A swamp family dwindled down to just two branches because of rampant incest.  The last man got his lil sis preggers and there was much joy in Mudville, but a giant white alligator ate her shortly after. Bumski. The man loses his sh*t and EATS the alligator and his sisters remains. And since the movie takes a strict “you are what you eat” policy, he becomes half man half alligator. As one of the characters says, “that’s the stupidest f*cking thing I’ve ever heard.” I concur.

The incest theme comes back into play later because the movie also takes a strict “incest is alright, don’t knock it yo” stance. Not a joke. It also features a near lesbian rape by a character who, after striking out, gives her bro a tug job and then later has her foot chopped off by her Dad. It’s like the filmmakers were purposely trying to ensure a feminist group would protest this movie.

Creature is also the kind of movie where everyone is still alive a baffling 60+ minutes into the movie. The kind of movie where a guy needlessly takes off his shirt to try and help a friend rid himself of Bayou tarantulas. The kind of movie where a guy gets shot in the leg yet still has the ability to run around like a track star on ‘roids. It’s bad, bad stuff. But funny if you are really high or 14.

The biggest problem with all of this is at no point does the movie laugh at itself. It tries to be a scary thrill ride, but comes across as the Ed Hardy of horror -Douchey.

I realize that this review is a bit mixed. On one hand I hate this movie. On the other I love its nonsense. Had it been direct-to-disc I would have exalted it for all its bad movie glory. But due to potential implications to legit horror because of the distro deal, I basically despise everyone involved.


Rating: 1/10

Snore Factor: ZZZZZ

IMDB 2011




Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...